The Hidden Patterns That Keep Couples Fighting: Terry Real’s Losing Strategies

Have you ever noticed a pattern in arguments with your partner where the same things keep happening? Maybe you feel a strong need to prove you’re right. Maybe your partner shuts down. Maybe the conflict escalates and turns into retaliation, criticism, or emotional distance.

In the moment, these reactions can feel justified. But over time, they often create more disconnection rather than resolution. Relational therapist Terry Real describes these patterns as “losing strategies.” They are common ways people try to protect themselves during conflict, but they ultimately undermine intimacy and repair in relationships.

Many couples unknowingly fall into these patterns. Recognizing them is often the first step toward change.

Here are the five losing strategies Terry Real identifies:

1. Being Right

This strategy is driven by the need to prove that your perspective is correct and your partner’s is wrong.

Instead of focusing on understanding one another, the conversation becomes a debate. The goal shifts from connection to winning the argument.

While being right can feel validating in the moment, it often leaves the other partner feeling dismissed, unheard, or defensive.

Healthy relationships are rarely about who is right, they are about mutual understanding.

2. Controlling Your Partner

Controlling can show up in subtle ways- trying to manage how your partner behaves, what they say, or how they handle situations.

It may come from anxiety or fear that things will go wrong if you don’t step in. But when one partner attempts to control the other, it often leads to resistance, resentment, and power struggles.

Connection grows when partners feel respected and autonomous, not managed.

3. Retaliation

Retaliation happens when hurt turns into “payback”.

Instead of expressing the hurt directly, the response becomes something like:

“You hurt me, so I’ll hurt you back.”
“If you withdraw, I’ll withdraw even more.”
“If you criticize me, I’ll criticize you harder.”

This cycle escalates conflict and deepens emotional wounds. Retaliation may feel protective, but it prevents repair and vulnerability.

4. Unbridled Self-Expression

While honesty is important in relationships, unfiltered expression can become harmful when it is driven by anger or frustration.

Statements like:

“I’m just being honest.”
“I’m just saying how I feel”, followed by bringing up many instances all at once.

can sometimes mask harsh criticism, blame, or contempt.

Healthy communication balances honesty with care, boundaries, responsibility, and respect for impact.

5. Withdrawal

Withdrawal is the opposite of confrontation. Instead of escalating the conflict, a partner shuts down, avoids the discussion, or emotionally disconnects.

This might look like:

Leaving the room during conflict
Refusing to talk about issues
Emotionally “checking out”

While withdrawal can feel like self-protection, it often leaves the other partner feeling abandoned or alone in the relationship.

Awareness

The important thing to remember is that these patterns are human and common. Most people use them at times, especially when feeling hurt, overwhelmed, or triggered.

The goal is not perfection—it’s awareness. When couples begin to recognize losing strategies in themselves and each other, they can start shifting toward healthier relational skills, such as:

Curiosity instead of defensiveness
Accountability instead of retaliation
Collaboration instead of control
Staying engaged instead of withdrawing

Relationships thrive when partners move from winning arguments to protecting the connection.

If you find these patterns showing up in your relationship, couples therapy can help partners understand what’s happening beneath the surface and develop and learn what Terry calls, “Winning Strategies” to develop new ways of communicating that support trust, repair, and closeness.